No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
