at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
