News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
