you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
