Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
