Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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