I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
