Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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