i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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