For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I touched a dick in church today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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