The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
