Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
