Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
