Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
