ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
