When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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