Who wears a wallet chain?!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
