Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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