I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
