I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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