My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
