Old men and throwing up are my life now.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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