I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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