I cockslap morals
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
