And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
