I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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