yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
