Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
