"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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