At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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