she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
