It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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