Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
