____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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