Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
