I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
