Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
