Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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