I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
