So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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