Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
