If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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