Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
