someone threw a dead crab at me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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