Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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