Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
