ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
