Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
