I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
