I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
