I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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