My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
