So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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