I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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